SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE

I am listening to the aforementioned on loop to drown out the man with whom it seems I am destined to be imprisoned again and again. Admittedly, I asked to be let in. I rang the doorbell. I tapped on his window with my sunglasses. I knelt before his letterbox and told him not to be childish and to let me in. The aforementioned is all very absurd. The whole thing is absurd. And I am being sucked into the supermassive black hole of the absurdity.

The last couple of days I was good. I was never 1) with my mother 2) with The Snark 3) with only myself - and these are the three conditions in which I am bad.

NOTICE ME! ACKNOWLEDGE ME! COME TO ASDA AFTER THE TEA - I WILL BUY YOU DINNER (+ COOK IT) THE ANGEL BUNNY says the note clutched in the mouth of the man who has just brought me a mug of tea, and kneels before me, looking penitant. I do wish he would just go away. Tea acknowledged as being welcome. But I am rather hungry... & he does cook rather well... I suppose once again that my gluttony will overcome my principles.

But I find myself pulling my wig to pieces just so that I will not be able to go out (but of course I would - I would just have to wear a hat or a something) so that I can simply simply simply not have to interact with these people who shout at me and wrathfully lean over me, eyes wide, coils of dark dark hair like a flurry of live black snakes abput to consume me. He reminded me, earler, of nothing so much as the horrible fire-monsters in Mirrormask. How they seem to deconstruct one, to consume one, until there is less than one, until there is a fraction, a 0.? until there is a 0.0 and one is 0 and no longer exists. Reminiscent of Zero, 'I'm your loverm I'm your zero' - only in his case I want to be neither becuase he is making himself seem utterly repellant, insinuate-ing himself into the list of People I Dread along with my mother - though perhaps now more so than my mother in some way, since I have liked him and been disappointed by him more recently? Yes - all this is horrible. His screaming hideous imititations of my voice at me - which, if they were true, would preclude ever speaking, ever saying anything to anyone. I feel very young and very much like crying - he somehow has the effect of being like some sort of vastly overwhelming big brother from hell. With all the unpleasant under/over-tones of someone one has once worshipped - like some inhuman forest faun. Never really liked perhaps...

But strangely perhaps I was worst yesterday. Unthinkingly so. I was happy and I didn't really think about it. Now, though, that my world has once more temporarily imploded, it seems ever more imperitive that I MUST not make saving myself from - this horridness - any more difficult. I need all the energy I can save from these people's depletions of it. To endure this and to escape this. How terribly teenage-angst, I know. Perhaps it's the Muse.

So yes - if I am surrounded ny people trying to destroy me (paranoia anyone? But it does seem that way), by the torn-up, stupid spiteful letters of a forest-faun-gone-wrong/'ANGEL-BUNNY', by The Snark, by the Mother-Monster (who may for all I know be perfectly lovely to me when I next see her - in which case I will feel guilty.

So now I sign off, being handed a chivalric white ribbon by Him Who I Will Will Will Avoid, and wishing so very much I were in a soundproofed room of my own, Virginia-Woolf-esque-ly.

No photo today. I am suddenly shy of that - as I feel stamped on my The World and very very little and delicate and no no no no photo.