Ugh

So... I've noticed that when I have pulled lots and lots of my hair out I feel really really aesthetically hideous. Which is really quite odd, as the rest of the time I generally feel somewhat Narcissistic... Perhaps it has to do which the level of control I feel I have over my appearance. When I pull my hair out I feel... Fatter. Which is absurd, because, medically-speaking, I'm not "overweight" (to put things into perspective, I'm 5 foot 7-and-a-half and 11 stone 4, which, according to the National Health Service's Body Mass Indicator calculator, is on the heavy side of healthy, but healthy nonetheless ). I would like to be slimmer, yes, but it's not exactly a major issue for me - most of the time. But when I pull my hair out lots and lots - even my face feels wrong. Typing this I feel as though my face is all wrong. Probably because I am tense because I am writing about Trich. But it feels ... too big. Like a carving of a face. Perhaps I feel too noticeable. And I feel, as I have mentioned, fat. Not just usually fat - a little bit delightfully plumpish like someone who eats one too many chocolates - no. Not self-indulgently fat. Fat like someone who eats fish and chips every day washed down with vast quantities of beer (which I don't - though both of those things in moderation do not entirely not appeal to me). I remember feeling SO MUCH better about myself when I had more hair. I remember flouncing in to university and listening to lots of people compliment me on my hair. It was fairly enjoyable. And now - I'm back to square one, almost. Practically no hair at all. I don't look all that bad, in my estimation - but hair does a lot for a face, and I certainly look, well, ODD, without hair. Prettily odd, but odd nonetheless. Not that I look all that un-odd WITH hair. That's not exactly my goal. Ugh ugh and more ugh. That's how I feel at the moment. And it doesn't help when the people around me tell me to stop being ridiculous and that I'm only trying to get them to tell me how pretty I look - because that's not it at all. I'm not fishing for compliments - I'm just expressing the way I feel. Hopefully only temporarily the way I feel. Because (all 'but I'm an intellectual bookish bluestockingish thing who doesn't really care about the way she looks' protestations aside) I really DO care about the way I look. I want to like the way I look. I'm USED to liking the way I look. I liked it better that way. So I want to recover that feeling and stop bugging those around me with my (rather painful) insecurities.