There are days when I hardly engage in the ordinary rites of Trichotillomania at all. This has been one of them. Perhaps becuase the condition, which I think of, almost, as a personified enemy, think that if it keeps its head down for a while I'll give up on the blog - which, think again arch-enemy dearest, I won't. Or that I will pull my hair out just to demonstrate that I actually do have the condition and am not getting in a public and literary flap about nothing - which, think again arch enemy dearest, I won't.
Capsules
There are - as you may know - many capsules and pills and elixers out there for Trichotillomaniacs. The problem is, Trichotillomania is a behavioural condition. There is no chemical imbalance to be put right, balanced, with a chemical intervention. For this reason a behavoural intervention, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, is often prescribed. Horrid horrid sterile-sounding amateur-medical-blab. Today I attempted to buy some cod-liver-oil-capsules. Becuase the cod-liver-oil I buy in bottles tastes thoroughly hideous and I never take it and it goes off and I throw it away and I feel guilty for wasting it. So. I scamper into BOOTS and stare at shelves upon shelves of cod-liver-oil-related things. COD LIVER OIL WITH MULTIVITAMINS. VANILLA FLAVOUR COD LIVER OIL. COD LIVER OIL WITH ORANGE JUICE. COD LIVER OIL SO CHEAP AND WEAK YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST GET SOME BATTERED COD. COD LIVER OIL SO EXPENSIVE YOU MIGHT AS WELL HIRE SOMEONE TO FARM THE THINGS FOR YOU. You get the idea. A cod-graveyard gleaming in all the oil of a muscle-man-contest - lovely. There is even, for those who pity the sharp-toothed cod (see my collected poetry), VEGETARIAN COD LIVER OIL - however that works. So I stand in front of the shelves and stared helplessly at the lot of them. I turned to my shopping-companion and, in a little a mouse-like voice, said 'What should I do?' Of course their guess was a good as mine, so, magpie that I am, I pounced (oh the mixed meaphors) on the prettiest packet and hoped I could reclaim the expenses from my mother under the heading of Medical Supplies. Becuase this COD LIVER OIL, WITH MULTVITAMINS, VANILLA FLAVOUR or WITH ORANGE JUICE does not come cheap. Except of course when it comes so cheap that is is obvious that is is going to be completely useless. I chose EQUAZEN eye q (trade mark) capsules. Becuase the box was silver. I'm not sure what that says about my capabilities of reasoning pre-cod-liver-oil... Part of my mind screams mouthlessly THIS IS A SCAM! COD LIVER OIL AND ALL THE OTHER THINGS YOU ARE TAKING WILL NOT HELP YOU! STRENGTH OF WILL WILL HELP YOU! AND YOU HAVE NO STRENGTH OF WILL! The only reasonable answer to which is to cry. But I really do think that the better my brain is functioning the better my moment-to-moment decision-making-capabilities are likely to be. "ALL THE OTHER THINGS" - yes, well... My growing slavery to the little round and oblong tablets and capsules I do so hope will miraculously save me... At present I am taking 16 a day. 1 multivitamin tablet - without which, I have been brought up to believe - I am likely to drop dead at any moment. So far so sensible. 1 echinacea tablet - without which I am the constant prey of snuffles and sniffles - so far so sensible also. 1 Saint John's Wort (Hypericin) capsule - as a decreaser of mild poet-melancholia - which, I have observed, exacerbates my Trichotillomania - i.e. when despairing over a half-finished Archaic And Complex Poem Of Many Stanzas and a glass of something mind-racing in a night of great blackness as though it would suck one's soul... That sort of thing. 2 little green tablets of Ginkgo Biloba - the taste of which I will not describe to you - the goal of which is nothing to do with Trichotillomania, rather it is my intention to quicken my synaptic firings to such an extent that my thought zooms like a Grecian God with foot-wings rather then throwing itself onto its back like a sluggish cat... 4 capsules of NAC (N-ACETYL CYSTEINE - 'N-Acetyl Cysteine is a natural sulphur containing amino acids derivative and antioxidant') - that's 1,400mg (!) i.e. rather a lot - on the informal suggestion of my very good doctor. Studies seem to show that NAC is helpful - though I have not yet sufficiently researched it to work out how. Anyway, anything once and all that... 1 Vitamin C tablet beacuse - well, they were there and available to be taken and why waste them (yes that really is my attitude towards these things) and becuase it seems that NAC may deplete vitamin C. And, last but not least, 6 Cod Liver Oil Capsules - that's over 1,000mg of EPA. If I don't get better taking all this then I think it can safely be said that chemical interventions are the the answer... Of course, it is always possible that this heady cocktail of major and minor supplements could put an end to me before it puts and end to the Trichotillomania. In that case I suppose I could at least say (or not say - I wouldn't be saying anything...) that I died trying. The non-Trichotillomania-related results of this regime seems thus far to be that my dreams are many and vivid, possibly becuase my brain is being supplemented beyond the bounds of everyday sanity. So far as the Trichotillomania is concerned, I seem to be succumbing to its rites less. But who is to know quite why. Any reason will do - I don't want reasons I want results. How oafish of me. By the way, it has just occured to me that I should point out that I consider the above combination of supplements possibly quite unwise, so DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME KIDS.
While I was out I walked past ZARA, place of wonderful trousers THAT ACTUALLY FIT ME WHILE TAKING INTO ACCOUNT MY NOT-INSUBSTANTIAL HIPS, and OH the wigs of the mannequins! What I wouldn't give! No picture becuase it didn't occur to me to take one at the time... Maybe some other time...
Hacksaws
The problem with wigs - yes yes there are many problems with wigs, but a major one if your will insist, dear internal-censor, in being so terribly terribly insistant on the proper uses of words)is that the texture of them, when slightly frizzed (as they tend to be after a while), is irresistible to tactile Trichotillomaniacal fingers. So, the wigs get unravelled. Fortunately, most wigs start life with far more hair than they really need. One puts on one's new wig and one peers out from under it like the Dulux dog. So it can cope with losing some hair. The problem is, after wearing the thing for six months (while attempting not to buy a new one becuase they are so darn expensive) a little becomes a lot and suddenly there is a patch of underlying fabric exposed. And the underlying fabric has some threads of cotton or whatever it is made of sticking up. And that gets pulled. And before one knows it the whole thing is in sorry tatters. So, when I found one of those cotton-threads today, I took my co-habitants hacksaw to it. There is never a pair of scissors around when one needs one (one one one this is getting somewhat confusing).
So here I sit drinking ultra-cheap cola from a purple goblet and thinking to myself: I contruct, I destruct, I construct, I destruct, I buy the capsules, I damage the wig, I buy the capsules, I damage the wig... And that is the nature of Trichotillomania. There are rhythms of the construction of oneself and the destruction of oneself - all by oneself. The one cancels out the other until one succumbs to stasis. But there must be a way out, so there must! That must be the battlecry.
Capsules
There are - as you may know - many capsules and pills and elixers out there for Trichotillomaniacs. The problem is, Trichotillomania is a behavioural condition. There is no chemical imbalance to be put right, balanced, with a chemical intervention. For this reason a behavoural intervention, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, is often prescribed. Horrid horrid sterile-sounding amateur-medical-blab. Today I attempted to buy some cod-liver-oil-capsules. Becuase the cod-liver-oil I buy in bottles tastes thoroughly hideous and I never take it and it goes off and I throw it away and I feel guilty for wasting it. So. I scamper into BOOTS and stare at shelves upon shelves of cod-liver-oil-related things. COD LIVER OIL WITH MULTIVITAMINS. VANILLA FLAVOUR COD LIVER OIL. COD LIVER OIL WITH ORANGE JUICE. COD LIVER OIL SO CHEAP AND WEAK YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST GET SOME BATTERED COD. COD LIVER OIL SO EXPENSIVE YOU MIGHT AS WELL HIRE SOMEONE TO FARM THE THINGS FOR YOU. You get the idea. A cod-graveyard gleaming in all the oil of a muscle-man-contest - lovely. There is even, for those who pity the sharp-toothed cod (see my collected poetry), VEGETARIAN COD LIVER OIL - however that works. So I stand in front of the shelves and stared helplessly at the lot of them. I turned to my shopping-companion and, in a little a mouse-like voice, said 'What should I do?' Of course their guess was a good as mine, so, magpie that I am, I pounced (oh the mixed meaphors) on the prettiest packet and hoped I could reclaim the expenses from my mother under the heading of Medical Supplies. Becuase this COD LIVER OIL, WITH MULTVITAMINS, VANILLA FLAVOUR or WITH ORANGE JUICE does not come cheap. Except of course when it comes so cheap that is is obvious that is is going to be completely useless. I chose EQUAZEN eye q (trade mark) capsules. Becuase the box was silver. I'm not sure what that says about my capabilities of reasoning pre-cod-liver-oil... Part of my mind screams mouthlessly THIS IS A SCAM! COD LIVER OIL AND ALL THE OTHER THINGS YOU ARE TAKING WILL NOT HELP YOU! STRENGTH OF WILL WILL HELP YOU! AND YOU HAVE NO STRENGTH OF WILL! The only reasonable answer to which is to cry. But I really do think that the better my brain is functioning the better my moment-to-moment decision-making-capabilities are likely to be. "ALL THE OTHER THINGS" - yes, well... My growing slavery to the little round and oblong tablets and capsules I do so hope will miraculously save me... At present I am taking 16 a day. 1 multivitamin tablet - without which, I have been brought up to believe - I am likely to drop dead at any moment. So far so sensible. 1 echinacea tablet - without which I am the constant prey of snuffles and sniffles - so far so sensible also. 1 Saint John's Wort (Hypericin) capsule - as a decreaser of mild poet-melancholia - which, I have observed, exacerbates my Trichotillomania - i.e. when despairing over a half-finished Archaic And Complex Poem Of Many Stanzas and a glass of something mind-racing in a night of great blackness as though it would suck one's soul... That sort of thing. 2 little green tablets of Ginkgo Biloba - the taste of which I will not describe to you - the goal of which is nothing to do with Trichotillomania, rather it is my intention to quicken my synaptic firings to such an extent that my thought zooms like a Grecian God with foot-wings rather then throwing itself onto its back like a sluggish cat... 4 capsules of NAC (N-ACETYL CYSTEINE - 'N-Acetyl Cysteine is a natural sulphur containing amino acids derivative and antioxidant') - that's 1,400mg (!) i.e. rather a lot - on the informal suggestion of my very good doctor. Studies seem to show that NAC is helpful - though I have not yet sufficiently researched it to work out how. Anyway, anything once and all that... 1 Vitamin C tablet beacuse - well, they were there and available to be taken and why waste them (yes that really is my attitude towards these things) and becuase it seems that NAC may deplete vitamin C. And, last but not least, 6 Cod Liver Oil Capsules - that's over 1,000mg of EPA. If I don't get better taking all this then I think it can safely be said that chemical interventions are the the answer... Of course, it is always possible that this heady cocktail of major and minor supplements could put an end to me before it puts and end to the Trichotillomania. In that case I suppose I could at least say (or not say - I wouldn't be saying anything...) that I died trying. The non-Trichotillomania-related results of this regime seems thus far to be that my dreams are many and vivid, possibly becuase my brain is being supplemented beyond the bounds of everyday sanity. So far as the Trichotillomania is concerned, I seem to be succumbing to its rites less. But who is to know quite why. Any reason will do - I don't want reasons I want results. How oafish of me. By the way, it has just occured to me that I should point out that I consider the above combination of supplements possibly quite unwise, so DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME KIDS.
While I was out I walked past ZARA, place of wonderful trousers THAT ACTUALLY FIT ME WHILE TAKING INTO ACCOUNT MY NOT-INSUBSTANTIAL HIPS, and OH the wigs of the mannequins! What I wouldn't give! No picture becuase it didn't occur to me to take one at the time... Maybe some other time...
Hacksaws
The problem with wigs - yes yes there are many problems with wigs, but a major one if your will insist, dear internal-censor, in being so terribly terribly insistant on the proper uses of words)is that the texture of them, when slightly frizzed (as they tend to be after a while), is irresistible to tactile Trichotillomaniacal fingers. So, the wigs get unravelled. Fortunately, most wigs start life with far more hair than they really need. One puts on one's new wig and one peers out from under it like the Dulux dog. So it can cope with losing some hair. The problem is, after wearing the thing for six months (while attempting not to buy a new one becuase they are so darn expensive) a little becomes a lot and suddenly there is a patch of underlying fabric exposed. And the underlying fabric has some threads of cotton or whatever it is made of sticking up. And that gets pulled. And before one knows it the whole thing is in sorry tatters. So, when I found one of those cotton-threads today, I took my co-habitants hacksaw to it. There is never a pair of scissors around when one needs one (one one one this is getting somewhat confusing).
So here I sit drinking ultra-cheap cola from a purple goblet and thinking to myself: I contruct, I destruct, I construct, I destruct, I buy the capsules, I damage the wig, I buy the capsules, I damage the wig... And that is the nature of Trichotillomania. There are rhythms of the construction of oneself and the destruction of oneself - all by oneself. The one cancels out the other until one succumbs to stasis. But there must be a way out, so there must! That must be the battlecry.
Have you tried meditation? It's worked wonders for my paranoia (I strongly suspect I may have gotten some canned craziness from the shallow end of the gene pool, that end also has the incontinent children constantly weeing in it) I think it could really help, you've obviously got the will to do it.
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