My last blog was a thing of wonder and aimlessness... This was all very well, but I hardly felt that I was expending my time productively. So. This blog with be about Something Important. It will be about a condition which has been MY condition for something like a decade now. Trichotillomania - The Horrible Illness of DOOM. Otherwise known as an Impulse Control Disorder. And a Disorder it very definitely is - it disorders one's life and makes things rather difficult generally. Also, it is a vastly unfashionable illness. I would much rather have been cursed with something invisible. Something I could hide a little better. But no. The Gods decided to zap me with this particular jagged stream of electricity. Lighting up elements of the human condition (yes yes I will be using terms such as the human condition - get used to it) I would otherwise much rather not have seen. Becuase, as will become clear, I am really not a very appropriate person to have been martyred by such a thing... Which is perhaps why it has chosen me, swooped down on me, and stuck its claws in...
The Question of Public Pillory
Yes - I know I know. I am putting this up here and rather putting things out in the open that might best have been kept quiet - 'UNDERGROUND' (hear the boom boom clash of 'The War of The Worlds'...). But that is just the problem. No no no it should NOT with screaming capital letters be kept underground! And anyone who suggests it should should have a bucket of ice-cube-laced water thrown over their screaming head. Why is this? Becuase secrecy - all very well for diaries and assignations - can suggest guilt and strangeness and horror. What lives in the attic? The mad woman. Take the mad woman out of the attic and (unless she hacks you to death) she will not perhaps seem quite so mad. Indeed - perhaps she was mad BECUASE she was in the attic - how would you like being in an attic with all those creepy crawlies and suchlike?!? Part of the experiment I suppose will be what reaction, if any, this gets from those who were not in the know. I would rather judge the characters of those around me in relation to what they really think of me than in relation to some sham approval anyhow. I can survive the losing, if neccesary, of a few friends in order to retain my integrity. & I have thought about this properly. I think what is more important than a temporarily battered ego is that I make the point that - in some respects - I am not in the least ashamed of having had this condition. Only of my failure to overcome it.
So What Is My Position On The Victim/Failure/Neutral-Person Thing? How Do I See Myself In Relation To This?
I used to see myself as A VICTIM in capital letters. I used to sob into my pillow and lament my fate. But what teeneager is not doing that most of the time? Being excessively vain, I saw my condition as a sort of Ancient Grecian punishment for hubris. I saw myself as Antigone thrown into a cave of un-beauty. I drew beautiful pictures of un-beauty and suffering.
I used also to see myself as the cause of my condition. I thought that I must be terribly terribly wicked (the admonitions of adults ringing in my ears 'wicked child!' strange how one remembers these throwaway adult mini-tantrums) the neccesary cause of my own fate. That at least gave it a Satan-in-Hell-like dignity. Here we have been cast. Into the dark fire of hidden suffering. Becuase we are monstrous and it was neccesary that we be kept away from the world. (This of course to the rallied troops of fallen angels.)This with a terrible sense of responsibility for everyone - for the whole world - that was simply unfaceable. Again - what teenager does not feel this. This I have not entriely transcended.
As my understanding that what I had was a condition I attempted to absolve myself from responsibility. However - this could all too easily return to the Me-As-Victim thing, which, delicious as it is too lounge on sofas and sob into ice-cream designed to cheer oneself up and dream about how wonderfully productive and brilliant and witty and beautiful one might have been if only one had not been struck down with this dreadful disorder, is not particularly constructive.
What I Want To Gain From This Blog
An overview of myself as a Trichotillomaniac - as I ever so much want to understand myself in relation to the condition in order that I may crush the condition underfoot.
An overview of the reactions (if any) of other people to the condition - as a sort of sociological experiment.
A way of making my success or failure public with a view to shaming myself into success (strange string of words).
What My Readers May Gain From This Blog
A further insight into my fascinating life.
A heightened knowledge of Trichotillomania.
Amusement.
The Question of Public Pillory
Yes - I know I know. I am putting this up here and rather putting things out in the open that might best have been kept quiet - 'UNDERGROUND' (hear the boom boom clash of 'The War of The Worlds'...). But that is just the problem. No no no it should NOT with screaming capital letters be kept underground! And anyone who suggests it should should have a bucket of ice-cube-laced water thrown over their screaming head. Why is this? Becuase secrecy - all very well for diaries and assignations - can suggest guilt and strangeness and horror. What lives in the attic? The mad woman. Take the mad woman out of the attic and (unless she hacks you to death) she will not perhaps seem quite so mad. Indeed - perhaps she was mad BECUASE she was in the attic - how would you like being in an attic with all those creepy crawlies and suchlike?!? Part of the experiment I suppose will be what reaction, if any, this gets from those who were not in the know. I would rather judge the characters of those around me in relation to what they really think of me than in relation to some sham approval anyhow. I can survive the losing, if neccesary, of a few friends in order to retain my integrity. & I have thought about this properly. I think what is more important than a temporarily battered ego is that I make the point that - in some respects - I am not in the least ashamed of having had this condition. Only of my failure to overcome it.
So What Is My Position On The Victim/Failure/Neutral-Person Thing? How Do I See Myself In Relation To This?
I used to see myself as A VICTIM in capital letters. I used to sob into my pillow and lament my fate. But what teeneager is not doing that most of the time? Being excessively vain, I saw my condition as a sort of Ancient Grecian punishment for hubris. I saw myself as Antigone thrown into a cave of un-beauty. I drew beautiful pictures of un-beauty and suffering.
I used also to see myself as the cause of my condition. I thought that I must be terribly terribly wicked (the admonitions of adults ringing in my ears 'wicked child!' strange how one remembers these throwaway adult mini-tantrums) the neccesary cause of my own fate. That at least gave it a Satan-in-Hell-like dignity. Here we have been cast. Into the dark fire of hidden suffering. Becuase we are monstrous and it was neccesary that we be kept away from the world. (This of course to the rallied troops of fallen angels.)This with a terrible sense of responsibility for everyone - for the whole world - that was simply unfaceable. Again - what teenager does not feel this. This I have not entriely transcended.
As my understanding that what I had was a condition I attempted to absolve myself from responsibility. However - this could all too easily return to the Me-As-Victim thing, which, delicious as it is too lounge on sofas and sob into ice-cream designed to cheer oneself up and dream about how wonderfully productive and brilliant and witty and beautiful one might have been if only one had not been struck down with this dreadful disorder, is not particularly constructive.
What I Want To Gain From This Blog
An overview of myself as a Trichotillomaniac - as I ever so much want to understand myself in relation to the condition in order that I may crush the condition underfoot.
An overview of the reactions (if any) of other people to the condition - as a sort of sociological experiment.
A way of making my success or failure public with a view to shaming myself into success (strange string of words).
What My Readers May Gain From This Blog
A further insight into my fascinating life.
A heightened knowledge of Trichotillomania.
Amusement.
Hello. Sorry to say something so obvious... But i think this is brave. You are right, it's insanely "unfashionable". I don't like the idea of any condition being considered as a splendid accessory, and indeed it's brave for anyone to be open about something... I certainly wouldn't be able to.
ReplyDeleteThankyou very very much. My reasoning is that the more people who are open about it the more people who will feel it is OK about being open about it - changing the world (?!?) in my own little way by doing something which seems scary and showing that it maybe isn't so scary as it at first seems... (:
ReplyDeleteThankyou (: (: (: