OK - New Post. The last one was rubbish / completely the sort of thing I do when I'm trying to pretend that I'm not thoroughly RUBBISH for giving in to Trichotillomania. It isn't my fault I have it. But it is my fault if I just give in. I'm going to have to fight a little harder. No-one should have to feel the way that I feel. But the only way I'm going to stop feeling that way is to FIGHT it. Which requires effort. (Too much effort, more effort than I have...) This is absurd. This will probably come to nothing. But I have to make these statements to myself. That I will not stand for it any longer. And all that. Because if I don't what is left except slipping slowly down the slope of failure? I feel hideous. I am tired of feeling hideous. But there is always the paradox of wanting to tell myself off, to punish myself, so that I will not do it again. And knowing that I need to take care of myself to some extent or the self-destruction of Trichotillomania will turn into general self-destructiveness and then where will I be? Quite possibly nowhere. And, having written some more of the (endlessly being-written) novel today, I know that I need to exist - at least until the novel is finished. Perhaps that is why I leave it unfinished. It is, quite literally, my raison d'etre. I need to exist - in a reasonably intact manner - if I am to do anything useful. And, if I am neither to be beautiful or useful, what good am I to be? Another thing - I'm sure I'm getting fatter. To be both bald and fat is hardly a good look. (Note the note of self-hatred - to be avoided if at all possible.) The point is - I want to be the best I can be. And I'm not being the best I can be. And I am furious with myself. I should temper this furiousness with an understanding that I have an ILLNESS - that it is not my fault that I have an illness - and that all I can possibly do is try my very best. My therapist disagrees with this. The argument is that expecting my VERY best from myself all the time is expecting too much. I may not EXPECT my very best of myself all the time. But if I don't TRY my very best (and there is a distinction to be drawn) then I can't very well admire myself. To try and to fail is one thing. Not to try is - monstrous.
This was my problem too. I expected far too much from myself, held myself to impossible standards and all that really did was make me worse.
ReplyDeleteNot being able to meet those standards made me feel miserable, and the misery exhausted me, the exhaustion weakened me and then I was too weak to fight.
Relax.
There was a book I read, digitally, that really helped.
It doesn't relate to your problem in particular, but it didn't relate to mine either. It has more of a general "Defeating something even if it might be stronger than you" thing.
I could send digital copies on if you like or, when I finally get the first part. I could lend you the hardcopy.